Let Go

For me, the hardest part to become a cycling instructor is letting go.  I hesitate.  I second guess myself.  I hold back.  For what?  Fear?  Insecurity?  I'm not sure.  When I cycle in a class, I follow the instructor and will do whatever he/she tells me to do.  I'm like a soldier.   Command me.  Please.  How do I get there?  How do I command a crowd of my own soldiers?

When I get on the bike, I turn on the microphone.  I am in training, still, to be an instructor.  The moment when I hear my own voice, I am afraid.  I freeze.  Why?  I feel naked and vulnerable.  It feels like I'm at the beginning of a relationship and everything is magnified.  I'm starting a relationship with the room, with the people who came to take MY class, with MY students.  What if I'm not good enough.  What if I'm not liked?  What if they hate my music?  What if they hate my class?  What if, what if, what if?  No what ifs.  I've practiced.  I've trained.  I know what I'm doing.  I AM good enough.  They don't have to like me.  They just need to like the class.  Let go.

And so I did it.  I taught a class.  And I was borderline terrible.  My class consisted of only my instructor as a student.  I made it through all my prepared songs, but I hesitated.  My cueing was off and my voice was not present until the middle of my playlist.  I struggled.  But I finished.  And I felt good about my not-so-great class.  Why?  Because I did what I had to do.  I let go and I just went for it.

Am I ready to teach a class?  No.  Am I ever going to be ready?  Yes.

I Got Miked!

I woke up the other day and went to my cycling training session. I was ready, but still petrified of my instructor, Ashley. She's an amazing teacher.  She's wise and patient, but extremely intimidating. OR, it could be that I'm a complete scardy-cat. Probably the latter.

Learning to become a cycling instructor has been a long process. I would go into the studio sporadically to train.  And every time would be slightly better than the last, but every time something was missing. I couldn't command an audience. I wasn't comfortable on the bike. I wasn't comfortable with myself. This has been HUGE struggle for me in training and something I struggle with in my daily life.

Ashley asked me if I was ready to show her some things.  I answered with what I thought was an agreeable answer...a playful, but casual, sure.  However, my nonchalant response was not the best move.  My words and my attitude are a reflection of me. I was here to work. I should have told her that I was ready.  She looked at me, "We're going to set a goal. You need to be ready to teach a 45 minute class by a date you choose," Ashley said. Or something to that likeness. Okay, November it is.  I assured her I was ready to work and was prepared with a playlist. I AM READY. 

Ashley left me alone to prepare to show her my best songs.  I went into panic mode and thought Katy Perry would be my answer.  Not true. I couldn't get through the song. I calmed down and perused my original playlist. Trust yourself.  You know what you're doing. I started peddling to the first song on my list and it clicked.  I worked through the next one and called Ashley down.  She sat next to me, perhaps a little skeptical.  I turned on the warm-up song and just went for it. It was a nerve-wrecking three minutes, but I made it. When the last beat faded, Ashley had a smile on her face. And then it happened, she miked me! She thought I was ready for the microphone!  It was weird listening to myself speak and cue, but I got miked.

It took a year for me to get here and I only got through two songs.  But I was handed a training manual and my next training assignment. For the first time, I felt like an official trainee at Syncstudio.  Follow the movement.  Follow my journey. 

Fear yourself. Fear nothing.

Family.  Friends.  Lovers.  Yourself.  Every thing takes work.  Sometimes the effort is minimal.  Other times, it can feel like moving mountains.  How do you know when to work at it?  How do you know when to let go?

I struggle with something different every day.  I've been training to be a cycling instructor for over a year now.  It has taken me this much time to prove to myself that I can do it.  One day, after a training session, my instructor told me that she could see me instructing a class.  I had the best feeling in my heart.  I felt like someone had freed me of something.  She didn't say I could teach a class.  She said she could SEE me teaching a class.  I'm still far from reaching my goal.

What's the big deal about peddling on a bike while shouting out commands?  For me, leading a group of people through a 45 minute cycling dance party is worse than moving a mountain.  I didn't understand at first when my teacher told me I had to be vulnerable and not be afraid of myself.  When I wasn't afraid of myself anymore, I got it.  Letting go and letting myself just be, moved mountains.  I'm not an instructor yet, but I will be. 

Be Vulnerable. Take Off Your Pants.

Being vulnerable is a hard thing.  Taking off your pants is also a hard thing.  I have struggled with both for a very long time.  To me, they're one in the same.  It's the act of shedding a part of myself for the world to see that scares me. I fear it.  I fear the rejection.  I fear the abandonment.  I fear not liking what I see.  

Sometimes, being vulnerable seems like a struggle I will never win.  I fear everything that happens when you make yourself vulnerable.  I like feeling strong and unafraid.  But what I've come to learn is that being vulnerable also means being open.  It means being honest.  It means being honest with yourself and with others.  Being vulnerable opens the door to so many good things, it's worth it. 

Be vulnerable in relationships.  Be open to new friends.  Be open to old friends.  Mend broken friendships that are worth saving.  I'm accustomed to shutting doors and moving on.  But then what am I left with?  Nothing.  I've learned the importance of this in the past year.  I was willing to let a 10+ year friendship die because I wasn't willing to be wrong or to apologize.  Why?  It took a long time to get to where we are today.  We look back on it now and can acknowledge that it was silly.  But what if we couldn't?  I do not know what I would've have done if I'd lost my best friend forever.

Mending my old friendships have taught me to build better new ones.  I've learned when to say what I want.  I've learned when to hold my tongue.  And I've learned when to say, "I'm sorry."  Sometimes it's okay to be wrong when you want to make something right.

Be vulnerable in love.  Be open to love.  Be open to getting your heart ripped out.  We've all been hurt and it sucks.  But the best part about getting hurt is all the amazing things that happen before that moment.  No one wants to love a log.  Where's the fun in that?

Be vulnerable in life.  I'm training to be a cycling instructor.  It has taken me a looooong time.  I struggle with it every day.  My form is near perfect, but I can't get myself to get in front of a room to teach it.  Why?  Because I struggle with letting my guard down.  What if I get in front of a class and they think I'm silly?  My teacher has taught me that it doesn't matter.  No one wants to listen to a log.  Yes, I need to convince people to like my class so that they keep coming back, but I also need to be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to like me or the class.  It just happens like that sometimes.  People gravitate towards welcoming people.  Open people.

This is life.  You give EVERYTHING you have.  I'm learning to be comfortable with myself.  I'm learning to be silly. I'm learning to be vulnerable.  Pants or no pants.

Pantless at Coachella

It is expected that the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival bring the best of boho chic to Indio, CA.  This year, I popped my Coachella cherry and headed west to witness firsthand what the buzz was about.  My ears are ringing still, and my calves are sore from the three day epic dance party, but I bring you this.

The music may take center stage at Coachella, but the clothes are equally important.  Crop tops, whether appropriate or inappropriate, were all the rage.  Bare bellies swarmed the stages and tents.  If I had prepared my abs better, I would've rocked that trend hard.  What else were people wearing? Butt cleavage. The number two trend was cut-offs and short shorts.  And I mean SHORT.  If your ass wasn't hanging out, you weren't cool.  Please observe.

I'm guilty of this trend on most days.  But then again, I enjoy living a pantless life.  Some took being pantless to the next level.

Who needs pants when you have accessories?  And it wasn't just the girls. The boys did it too.

Lesson learned.  Being pantless at Coachella is acceptable and encouraged.  What will we be wearing next year?

Pantless In Leggings

Leggings are not pants.  They have never been pants.  They will never be pants.  Leggings are BETTER than pants.  The color/prints options.  The cuts.  The lengths.  The possibilities are ENDLESS.

When worn correctly, leggings are flattering, chic and give you full range of motion.  "Regular" pants do not always give you that.  Haters, let me walk you through this.  Wearing leggings like this is a no-no.

I do not support camel toe, underwear shows or exposed butt cracks.  What I do support is #IJustThrewThisOnAndImFabulous.

Yes, there are common sense rules to follow when wearing leggings.

• Your shirt should always cover your -gine (figure it out. you know you can).
• Wear your size.  You won't have muffin top spillage and your booty will feel lifted.
• Being comfortable does not equate to looking like a slob.  You can wear leggings and still look polished.  See reference above.

So just...

Because...

I Don't Think I Could Date a Werewolf

Loving someone and opening your heart to being vulnerable may seem like a hard task.  But sometimes the simplest things can be learned from the most surprising places.  I give you, the season 3 finale of Teen Wolf (If you haven't jumped on the MTV teenage supernatural soap, get on it).  Don't judge me.

#1 Know thy partner

Danny (Keahu Kahuanui) telling Ethan (Charlie Carver) that he couldn't date him.  We've all heard this before, It's not you, it's me. No, actually, it is you. Blah, blah, blah.  Danny's reason?  "I just don't think I can do it."  "Date me?"  Ethan asks.  "Date a werewolf."  Danny knew the whole time!  For the non-Teen Wolf fans, let me break it down.  Ethan's been like

And Danny's been like

No matter how sly you think you're being, if you spend enough time with another person, he will know, on some level, what you're thinking, what you're doing and what you're hiding.  JUST BE HONEST.

#2 Love triangles=bad.  

Someone always gets hurt.  In this case, someone dies.  Scott loves Allison.  Isaac loves Allison.  Allison loves Isaac...and Scott.  Supernatural beings appear.  The fight between good and evil ensues.  Allison dies.  Many tears are shed.  Lesson learned.  Love who you love and leave it at that.  Or maybe, just don't fall in love with a werewolf?  Definitely do not fall in love with two werewolves.

#3 Love will surprise you

This is the cliffhanger.  The unknown.  Derek Hale (Tyler Hoechlin), werewolf hottie extraodinaire, is attacked at his own loft.  

When the chaos settles, Kate Argent (Jill Wagner), a werewolf hunter thought to be dead,  returns as a werewolf!  Derek and Kate have had a tumultuous relationship in the past.  Deceit.  Betrayal.  Revenge.  Family members killed.  You know, typical werewolf/hunter problems.  How can they possibly work through it?  Will they work through it?  Will this last?  You will never know if you don't try.

The new season of Teen Wolf premieres June 23.

Thigh Gap, Why Gap

The idea of making positive changes in your life is GREAT. Really. I just don't like the idea of waiting for a certain date in your life to make a change. New Year's Resolutions=silly.  If you want to change something, do it.  I have two resolutions I try to accomplish every minute of every day of every year.

Resolution #1 Thigh Gap

I know.  I know.  It's a horrible body trend that sets a bad example for developing youth.  If you haven't heard about it, peep that google search bar IMMEDIATELY.  I want a thigh gap for practical reasons.  Promise. I cannot throw away another pair of my favorite jeans because there's a crotch hole from too much inner thigh touching. I dislike chafing.  Who doesn't?  So painful.  Thigh sweat.  'Nuff said.  Gross.  So, if having the tiniest gap between my legs is the solution, then I want it.  How do I accomplish this?  Strict diet and excessive exercising?  Too much work, no fun.  Starvation? No thank you.  Thigh master?  Hello, 80s.  WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!?!  And then I snap back to reality.  Thigh gap is not about me.  It's about the way I'm built. It's about my bone structure; about the width of my hips, femurs, bone size, etc.  It's a magical combination of this:

Let's be real.  If Queen Bey doesn't need it, why do I?  Give me some Body Glide and a pair of leggings and let's call it a day.  

Let me explain.  A simple regimen of cycling, yoga and burritos have my inner thighs rubbing together comfortably.  The left and right thigh are still besties, together all the time, but they give each other just enough space so that no one gets hurt.  It's a soft, smooth graze with minimal chafing.  I'm okay with that. 

Stay tuned for Resolution #2.

Here Goes Nothing, Michelle

By definition, being pantless means 1. being without pants (trousers, if you're from the other side of the pond) 2. being vulnerable 3. being comfortable with ones set of legs. Welcome to my world. I like to say what's on my mind, but it took me a long time to get here. Here goes nothing.